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1. caitlind

   

   3 posts
   Registered:
   07 Jan 2021
   07 Jan 2021

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   I recently gave birth to my second son. I quit while I was pregnant and stayed smoke free for 3 weeks after giving birth. Then I kept having these intense cravings and went to buy a pack. I convinced myself that I needed them while home all day by myself during a pandemic. I would quit again after my mat leave when I was back at work with the ability to distract myself and avoid triggers. My triggers are being by myself and wanting to “relax” in my smoking chair outside. It was my “break”. The first smoke I had tasted awful and I immediately felt guilty. I swore that was what I needed to quit. The next morning I woke up and had 1 more. Again, it tasted terrible and I felt guilty. So I came inside and flushed the rest of the pack. I felt great for about an hour. Then came the realization that I ruined 10 months of being smoke free and now I’m sitting here crying and feeling sad about that fact that I will never have a smoke again, and I truly enjoy smoking. Or do I? Everything in my life has revolved around smoking. I’m happy when I’m smoking but I also don’t want to be a smoker. I have spent the last few days in a state of anxiety/sadness/despair. I’m not sure how to stop thinking about how sad I am. 
2. thunter9

   

   1 posts
   Registered:
   08 Jan 2021
   07 Jan 2021

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   I feel you totally! I have this thought that I’m quitting “for now” and it always seems to get me through. I had a smoke yesterday and felt the same way I was grossed out by it and then felt guilty but also missed it some how and I talked to a friend who is an addict and they told me to just look at what it ahead of you. If you have to by the minute and just say to yourself I won’t smoke today. It kinda relieves the pressure for me instead of imagining my life without it which makes me sad too. Your doing great!
3. efram, quit coach

   

   243 posts
   Registered:
   29 Nov 2017
   07 Jan 2021 in reply to caitlind

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   Hi caitlind,
   
   Thank you for sharing how you're feeling. 
   
   It might feel that way now, but those 10 months of being smoke-free are in no way ruined. Every cigarette NOT smoked during those months remains a step on your path to being a non-smoker. 
   
   What you described are slips, not a relapse. Slips are common, and you can look at them as part of the learning process. Feeling guilty after a slip and reaching out for support are pretty good indications that being smoke free is important to you.
   
   Women often have stronger cravings after giving birth (you can read more here: https://www.nicotinedependenceclinic.com/en/pregnets/moms/smoking-after-birth).
   
   Plenty of parents have struggled with finding ways to be by themselves and to relax without smoking. Over time, you'll learn what works best for you. 
   
   Please take some good deep breaths and give yourself some extra TLC during this time, ok?  
   
4. wandam

   

   241 posts
   Registered:
   05 Feb 2019
   07 Jan 2021

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   Hi caitlind, 
   
   Hats off to you in quitting smoking during your pregnancy, 9 months plus 3 weeks, that’s an awesome 👍 quit! Sorry to hear you are struggling with the ups & downs of this awful addiction! It’s a hard addiction to conquer but you are doing it by forging ahead with your quit! Sounds like you had a little slip & now you are back to the business of quitting! So give yourself a huge pat on the back for how far you have progressed with smoke free journey!
   
   PS I too have struggled with my quits, relapsing after months of being smoke free. Each time I relapsed I felt the same way you do, not happy with myself for smoking again. I’m now on my 4th quit, determined to make it stick! With my first two quits I thought I was missing something, especially that relaxing feeling that I thought smoking gave me. Today I know smoking does not relax me, but it took a few quits to truly understand!
   
   Hope this helps you a little to keep forging ahead with your quit journey! 
   
   

   Last modified on 07 Jan 2021 20:04 by wandam
5. caitlind

   

   3 posts
   Registered:
   07 Jan 2021
   07 Jan 2021 in reply to thunter9

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   Same! I was grossed out and missing it at the same time. I told my husband that I wanted to revisit my need to buy a pack on Monday because that way I don’t have to think about never smoking again, but I can stay away from them until Monday, right? The scary part is, will I always feel the need to go a few days at a time? Will this sense of unhappiness ever go away or am I destined to feel like somethings missing for the rest of my life? That’s the true scary part for me.
6. caitlind

   

   3 posts
   Registered:
   07 Jan 2021
   07 Jan 2021 in reply to wandam

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   So how long did you go back for each time? Did it ever feel satisfying to smoke again?
7. lesleyaf

   

   37 posts
   Registered:
   23 Nov 2020
   08 Jan 2021

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   Hi Caitlind,
   
   I was in the same situation following the birth of my son.  I quit smoking and then started shortly after he was born since it gave me a break and some much needed "me" time. 
   
   I too told myself that I would quit once I returned to work following my mat leave.  It's now almost 3 years later and I recently made the decision to quit smoking.  
   
   It's hard, it's the hardest thing I've ever had to do but it gets easier.  I'm coming on 7 weeks smoke free and things are looking up.  
   
   When I first quit, I too felt so sad and questioned how I could live an enjoyable life without cigarettes.  I still think about smoking everyday but the dark and sad emotions have definitely subsided.  It gets better, trust me!  
   
   Don't beat yourself up.  Hang in there and visit this site often.  I find hearing other people's stories definitely helps with the quit!
   
   Take care,
   Lesley 
   
   
   
   
8. wandam

   

   241 posts
   Registered:
   05 Feb 2019
   08 Jan 2021

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   Hi caitland, 
   
   I quit for 9, 4.5 & 6 months & each relapse got shorter, with me wanting to quit because I was so dissatisfied with smoking! I ended up disliking smoking more & more, the smell, the stink, the awful taste in your mouth, the drop in energy & more! 
9. ocean

   

   286 posts
   Registered:
   29 Nov 2017
   11 Jan 2021

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   Hi Caitlyn, I've got to throw it out to you new mom's.  Everything so new and exciting, but yes, it can be isolating too.  With this lockdown there's not many places to see other new moms or friends.  I'd try and have a coffee morning chat every morning on Zoom with some other friends, keep the connection going.  You have to treat and reward yourself, have a dnace party.  Someone suggested that I do my make up and do my hair during my bad time (4-7pm).  Well it helps, it gets me moving and not fretting.  It's also quite pointless because I wash my face before bed a few hours later, but it does get me "doing" something, anything, .....  I quit smoking during my pregnancies too, and lit up soon after they were born.  I used to have a quick shower after every cigarette so the reisdue and smell wouldn't harm my babies.  I wish I'd stayed quit, because it was easy to quit when I was pregnant because there was so much happening with growing a baby and it toally distracted me.  After birth there is that PHew! feeling, and desire to reward myself with a smoke.  So I totally get where you're coming from.  Strength to you my friend.
10. treepeo1

    

    255 posts
    Registered:
    06 Feb 2020
    12 Jan 2021

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    Hi caitlind,
    
    I used to find smoking a relaxing treat, too.  But that is because smoking is an addiction, so you just think it is helping you to relax.  What it is really doing is harming you.
    
    I can't remember how long it took, but eventually I stopped wasting my time thinking about smoking and how much I missed it.  I focused on other, much more important things.  Now, I can't believe how much time I wasted obsessing in one way or another about smoking.  Making the commitment to being a non-smoker can be really freeing.  It's great to get that monkey off your back.
    
    Try not to despair.  The first few smokes you just had grossed you out.  That is a good thing.  Don't give up on yourself.  Get up, brush yourself off and carry on.  You can keep living life as a non-smoker, and you deserve to live that way.  You are totally worth it.  I am rooting for you, caitlind.  Believe in yourself.