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1. dahlia

   

   13 posts
   Registered:
   04 Sep 2018
   04 Sep 2018

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   Hello, I am back here after almost seven years of not smoking. I thought it would never happen to me. I thought I'd be done with this monster forever. And then after all this time when I prided myself of being smoke free it got me and I feel really awful about it. It's been two months now and it got to the point that once again I am fighting it and it seems that I'm loosing. One puff was all it took. Few weeks ago I walked into a store right after having a smoke in the parking lot and I noticed that few women were walking away from where I stood. It broke my heart and I felt outraged knowing that I stunk like hell. Never in my life I was so so embarrassed!!! I went to my car and cried knowing that I failed. It felt awful. I took a deep breath and smelled my clothes. I was devastated and wanted to hide from the world.
   My husband was free of this addiction for the same period of time and when he started smoking again I just couldn't stand the smell of cigarettes. I yelled, asked, begged, cried and pleaded with him. Now I know he couldn't control it then as I can't right now. I was safe for two years having him around and then I gave in on Canada Day weekend when we went to a cottage with his family. All of them smoked. All of them were around me having a cigarette in their hand. I asked for one puff, then another and another. At first they protested so I stole one and two and then three.... Then I admitted what I did and freely they provided me with the smokes. To my amazement I didn't even choked inhaling the smoke. I enjoyed it like never before. No headache, no dizziness, it seemed that I had so much fun smoking again. It's been over sixty days now and I feel like a total looser, someone that gives up all too easily.
   This is my first post except a quick note in the "Welcome" forum and I honestly have no idea how I will do it now. I have a very demanding job and no time for myself so I can't be here a lot. That means no help except of my husband who smokes and gets upset and sad when I do the same.... I feel very desperate to quit but at the same time I am so disappointed with myself.
2. jeyan

   

   176 posts
   Registered:
   28 Nov 2017
   04 Sep 2018 in reply to dahlia

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   Dhalia, Congrats on your 7 years of smoke free life....sorry to hear about your late struggles. I would still remain positive and kick this habit in the butt before it fully sucks you in again.     You know how to do this. :) You're a pro at it.   I too had slipped  twice in the past, this time around I am determined and now near completing my 2nd year. If can last for 7 years, that would be a dream.  :) They key Is never another puff ever again!  and rebounding quickly after every slip! We slip to raise back up and stand even stronger against our opponent!   We can do this!!
3. jenna lee, quit coach

   

   265 posts
   Registered:
   28 Jun 2018
   04 Sep 2018

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   Hi Dahlia,
   
   I did respond to your other post, but see this one is more in depth. I do want to give you credit again for reaching out for support from us and your healthcare provider to get the quit medication. 
   
   I like what you did here, going over aspects of 'living as a smoker' aka knowing that your clothes smell, etc. and remember what it felt like to be smoke-free. Let that motivate you to keep going towards your goal. Also let that disappointment motivate you, rather than bring you down. Easier said than done I know...
   
   You have been a non-smoker more than a smoker in the past decade. Quitting again may come as easily as smoking again did; you never know.
   
   Also, you are now aware of a big trigger: other smokers, and will be more prepared in the future with similar circumstances. 
   
   All the best with your future quit,
   
   Lastly, jeyan, thank for sharing your story and a big congrats on your 2 year smoke-free!!
   
   Jenna Lee
4. brieffree

   

   1477 posts
   Registered:
   28 Nov 2017
   04 Sep 2018

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   Hi and Welcome Back to the quit Zone!
   
   As I read your post, you were totally opened to change for good!
   
   I know is hard, but hardest is not even try!
   
   Distract your self and enjoy to be free!
   
5. treepeo

   

   832 posts
   Registered:
   29 Nov 2017
   04 Sep 2018

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   Hi dahlia,
   
   I responded in the Welcome section, but see you went into greater detail here.  So your husband started smoking again, too.  That makes it that much harder on you.  I get it.  
   
   I also understand how embarrassed you felt when those women walked away from you because you smelled like smoke.  Before I quit, my sense of embarrassment and shame were through the roof.  I knew I reeked of smoke, and that my breath was atrocious.  I couldn't take it any more.  I knew I had to get tough with myself.
   
   Maybe you should make a list of all of the reasons why you want to quit again.  And have you considered using any NRTs?  I don't know if you used anything the first time you quit, but there may be something out there to help ease the pain.
   
   I wish you all the best as you try to regain control over this addiction, dahlia.  You have done it before, and you can do it again.