jene
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21 Mar 2023
22 Mar 2023
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Journal exerpt from last night (reflecting on who I was before I this addiction began)
"The paradox of time and aging. I am journeying back to my twelve year old self. Who was that girl? She had big eyes and a lovely smile. Do I know anything else? I know how badly she wanted to belong, yet never felt at home. I remember the traumas and pains of 12, but I know there was also laughter and comraderie...new friends and constant ones. I'm not sure how to do this, but what I do know is that my heart is open to receiving and holding her.
The paradox is in allowing the past to be the past, and for it to live where it belongs - the past. And yet, the past is NEVER left in the past, because it all becomes a part of who we are. Okay, not all of it, but much of it is woven into our being, or at the very least, our conditioning. so what then are we letting go of?
Interestingly enough, the part I am retrieving is the youth - the innocence and beauty, the softness; it is the part of me that was before hardening. And that is so very much the person I continue to become - one with an expansive heart and open eyes - but this time it is coupled with the skills and wisdom to know how to keep an open heart. It is coupled with the capacity to hold the pain of this world, and feel all that I feel...which has always been a lot.
That twelve year old girl had no foundation. She had no anchor - no refuge. She had no one to turn to and no one to bolster her up so she could stand on her own two feet...she needed crutches. That twelve year old experienced a great deal, and had not one to comfort her. But I am here now, and I can comfort her.
That twelve year old, thirteen year old, and all those ages and personnas that followed - they were creative! She found ways to protect herself, figured out who she needed to be so that she could survive in her family and in the world. Out of nowhere, she manifested an image of herself that made her feel strong and fiercely independent. she found ways to escape the parsonage 'prison' and to create a world of her own that not her parents or 'God' could touch. She created a life and her own story to tell, so that she could feel a greater sense of belonging with others, and at the same time, was not afraid to stand apart.
And this is how my life has unfolded. From the time of my illness in 2006 - the breakdown, the loss of everything I thought mattered in this life - the fight for my life brought back and ignited the spark. A new story to be lived and told, only this one, not veiled in smoke and secrets, but told in truths. This life again has been a creative unfolding - just maybe she...they (all my parts) have been here all along, just waiting for me to extend my hand and say, "Come walk with me, fly with me, soar with me on this journey."
The past is always with us, until we integrate what needs to be integrated...and until we break the patterns that have long been in motion. Like an old habit that we try to spark up, again and again, thinking that somehow, we can recreate that old space, that old place or feelings we once felt inside us.
It has come full circle. The 'cigarette' is now what must be let go of, so that I can create the life and person I want for myself to fully become. It is time to let go of the last of the props, and engage with life directly - no veils, no smoke and mirrors. We've no need for illusions now, the truth has been our guide and our path, and it leads to all the things I have ever longed for. It is all that i have hoped for. "
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