15 Jun 2020
17 Jun 2020
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Getting close to one week. Still no intention of ever touching nicotine again.
I've been having a hard time sleeping though, I wake up multiple times a night, this never happened before. Feel tired, heavy head, lack of concentration. Miss feeling high, but I'll wait a few more days, kinda eager for my next high, I won't combust, will be using the vape. I cannot find any scientific article claiming any health issues arise from that so I'll invest on it. Some of you like a glass of wine to boost your mood, I like weed :). I'll keep it to the special occasion or maybe weekends though, I found that the need to smoke it came from mixing tobacco, as now I'm not really eager to smoke it, save a few seconds in my head whenever I see or hear people talking about it. I think not smoking cigarretes by themselves, and the couple months reducing to zero helped with not feeling much cravings anymore.
I'm kinda impatient towards feeling better from this nicotine crap. I wish I had stopped sooner, it really sucks. It's hard to describe the kind of 'bad' feeling overall that I do have, but it's irritating to be in this state, I can't pinpoint exactly why I feel bad, but I do, it's like a state of emotional or motivational deprivation.
I should be thankful that I'm making this decision being so young. I know a lot of you guys didn't have the community back when you were my age, nor the information and it should have been much harder. I'm sorry to hear that you have cancer, unfortunately the major factor in having it is still by far pure luck, it must have been devastating to find out you have it after going through your journey, but I guess that's how life goes. I sincerely hope you do get better and find a way to be comfortable and achieve happiness during the process as you win your battle. I am no doctor and although I have experience in the area, I'm in no way qualified to give any recommendation, but I've heard people in your situation due use CBD/THC products, like Rick Simpson Oil, I'm sure I'm pretty dumb in suggesting this because you surely looked through everything, but well, maybe it's in some way relevant, no false hopes or anything, who knows...
I really wish I could fast forward to a time when I feel good again, but then again, maybe the journey is about learning to feel good, getting new habits and enjoying new things. I start having that small glimpse of a life where I can find new small things to enjoy, without being constantly compromised by an addiction. It's weird I know, but I am pretty certain by now, that nicotine, probably as any other addiction completely sucks the life out of you.
I realized that it all circles about one thing and that's saciating the addiction, the need. All these moments you come to enjoy as if they were something good by themselves, that's completely false, an illusion. It's a lie our mind tells us. Smoking a joint(cigarrete) after eating or after coffee, we come to be fooled by the idea as if that was a good experience, but it isn't, it's so simple that the actual 'good experience' is satiating the addiction, there's no more to it and this contaminates our lives everywhere. We fool our entire system to believe we know what good experiences are but in truth we're just fulfilling our need for nicotine and we associate lots and lots of different experiences with it. In truth all these experiences are not good, and any crappy experience can be good if you fulfill your single need when doing it. It's all fake.
To realize that and think that maybe I'll be again able to enjoy small things, that actually have a meaning to whatever my brain really likes, gives me quite some motivation. I miss that. Miss having to fulfill actual desires in my brain, instead of just feeding it nicotine and pretending that's all it needs, because that gave me the false rush I needed. Such a lie, true deception, makes me feel sick towards all the companies that sell that substance. I'm pretty sure they're completely aware they're ruining so many lives.
It's been nice to have you around here, it gives some meaning to my journey and hopefully will help me keeping motivated towards it. Thank y'all.
Last modified on 17 Jun 2020 15:44 by addicta